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David A. Bates
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About David A. Bates
I am currently the Environmental Compliance Administrator for the City of Goshen, Indiana. I have responsibility for all aspects of the Industrial Pretreatment Program (IPP), management of the biosolids land application program, management of the septic and hauled wastewater program as well as OSHA compliance and training and all related environmental compliance. As manager of the septic wastewater acceptance program, I developed a comprehensive permitting system that regulated pollutant limits and established a fee schedule for hauled wastewater. I have attempted to develop an environmental compliance program for the City of Goshen that includes all areas of concern under one umbrella. I possess a Master of Public Administration (MPA) from Western Michigan University and a B.S. in Sociology from Ball State University. I have worked in various aspects of environmental management for 18 years. I possess Class 4 Municipal Wastewater Operator and Class D Industrial Wastewater Operator certifications. My interests include photography, writing, reading and history. I also enjoy bike riding and nature.
To whom it may concern (which should include everyone):
At the risk of endangering the health and well-being of the citizenry in general and the childbearing ability of any female under the age of 35 who is unfortunate enough to come to within 100 feet of it, not to mention violating most if not all of the regulations regarding the transportation and disposal of hazardous and/or pornographic material, I respectfully submit to you my photograph.
Please exercise all appropriate care in the handling and exhibition of said photo. Please note the following: Permanent debilitating injury may result from handling or displaying this photo without proper eye protection. I HEREBY RELINQUISHE ANY AND ALL LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY SUCH INJURY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
The suggested uses for this photographic material are as follows:
1. Vector Control - This photo has been proven effective by scientific study for the immediate removal of rats, mice, termites, ex-husbands, mosquitoes and, in certain climates, snakes. PLEASE NOTE: Photo will attract the common housefly in copious numbers. Do not place it within 500 feet of food storage or consumption areas or locations which need to be maintained in a sterile condition.
2. Deterrent to Unwanted Visitors - This photo has been certified to be effective in six states in blocking entry to the home by sales representatives, Jehovah's Witnesses, Meter readers, and numerous other types of unwanted guests. Simply print photo onto any size paper and hang on front door at eye level. RESULTS ARE GUARANTEED FOR AT LEAST 1 YEAR. WARNING: MAY NOT BE EFFECTIVE AGAINST LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL AND MAY IN FACT HAVE THE OPPOSITE EFFECT. I will not be responsible for any acute health problems suffered by persons suddenly exposed to my photo. It is advisable to post a warning to that effect in plain sight to minimize the possibility of legal action due to sudden heart failure, loss of appetite or other health defects.
3. Computer Virus Control - Scanning this photo into your personal computer's hard disk drive has been shown to be effective in removing and/or preventing the occurrence of most known viruses. It is widely believed by experts in the PC industry that the viruses cannot sustain their strength in the face of such overwhelming ugliness and simply vacate of their own volition. WARNING: THIS PHOTO MAY ALSO, IF LEFT ON THE HARD DRIVE UNCHECKED, SYSTEMATICALLY ERASE ALL FILES ON THE DRIVE. NOT EVEN PORNO DOWNLOADED FROM THE INTERNET CAN SURVIVE AGAINST THIS THREAT.
There may be additional uses for this material that have yet to be discovered. If you or any of your associates find new and interesting (read 'kinky') uses for this material, please inform the sender. Inquiring minds want to know.
If, after viewing this photo for the first time, you are still able to function to any level of competency, please seek professional help immediately. You are certifiably insane. Please resist the temptation, compelling though it might be, to send any responses, notices of violation, court orders, mail bombs, or electronic surveillance devices to my address. Remember, I warned you.
If, after viewing this photo, you still feel the need to send it on to other unsuspecting victims, please be advised that the penalty for doing so is continued contact with Yours Truly or up to 20 years in Cleveland, Ohio, whichever is the most severe. HANDLE AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!
Good Luck. Remember, only you can stop this horror before the entire nation is engulfed. OUR FUTURE DEPENDS ON YOU.
Best regards, Dave Bates
David A. Bates's Dream Vision
David A. Bates's It's a Guy Thing